HEARTFELT MUSINGS ON LIFE, LOVE, GOD, & MOTHERHOOD

On the precipice…

15.04.16

Ready, set, go Today is the 3rd day past my baby’s due date. And even though I know that these due dates are just approximates, they are given so much energy from the moment you find out you’re pregnant, that it’s hard to be chilled once you find yourself ‘over’.

It’s a bit like being at the exit door of a plane at 13,000 feet, all ready to jump. You’re all kitted up with chute & mask. You’ve been practicing your maneuvers for months. You’ve faced your fears and released them to the wind. But then an unexpected current picks up and you’re told by the pilot (God in this case!) that the plane needs to coast for a while. Just hovering… mid-air… doing circles… waiting.

That’s probably a bit dramatic but you know what I mean. Everything is done. Finally, everything is done. I’m ready. Really ready. But it’s just not in my hands anymore.

I was sitting on the loo a moment ago and I thought, “mmm, maybe I’ll have a coffee”. But pretty quickly I saw that for what it was, a reaction, a rebellion almost. One of the things I do when I reach for something outside myself. We all know what our personal crutches are… sugar, a ciggie, a drink, a phonecall, exercise, or a purchase. Anything that we habitually use to avoid the discomfort of our current situation.

What dawned on me then, is that this limbo I find myself in, while strange and uncomfortable at times, is also choc full of potential to put the philosophy to good use (when it really counts), and truly-ruly practice what it truly-ruly means to let go. To trust. When it goes against just about every single impulse I have, to be still. And by still I don’t mean of body, because actually I really feel to move today. I have a ton of energy all of a sudden and might just go for a swim once I write this. But still of mind. Still at the centre. Being with. Embracing.

I got to this point in writing and thought, OK, so where do I go from here? Where’s the wisdom? The resolution? The neat & tidy words that wrap it all and make us all feel better.

But there were none. So I sat.

I went out to the verandah, set up my little perch, got out my mala and started to drop in. And what came is this: that this is not about resolution at all, but rather the lack of it. More than seeking resolution and being stressed until I do, can I just rest in its absence, in that phase before, that is tender, vulnerable, uncertain, fragile? That really doesn’t know how & when it will all work out. Expecting & visualising the very best result whilst open to all possibilities.

Om Namo Narayani.

Who is She anyway, this Narayani? A Hindu Goddess in silken sari, adorned with flowers and bathed in gold light? Maybe. But not to me. To me She is everything that ever was, is, and ever will be. She is every possibility, every situation, and every experience. She is both the fear that I feel from time to time, and the wisdom and courage that help me move through it into love and trust. She is the entire spectrum of creation. To adore Her is to be with Her. To be with this. To feel deeply this reality and embrace it… open to it & learn from it with all I’ve got.

To surrender is to trust in Her way. And that is always none other than this way. This way right now, this exact way that things are unfolding, like it or not.

So I sit. I breathe. I rest.

I trust.

Amen.

“Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there’s one, there’s always the other. This is the root of our pain. In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives.

Abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning”.
~ Pema Chodron from her wonderful book ‘When Things Fall Apart’.