HEARTFELT MUSINGS ON LIFE, LOVE, GOD, & MOTHERHOOD

Moving on…

19.12.14

Valentine-TreeI’m on my way home to Australia. After all these years of moving here and there, I really want to live where I don’t need a visa. I’d very much like to plant a tree and watch it grow. As I pack up one chapter on the precipice of the next, I’m also humbly aware of the will to grow inside myself, that never allows me to get too comfortable.

At the halfway mark now in Singapore, we’re right in the thick of it – closing accounts, transferring funds, packing, sorting, and shipping ourselves home. It’s a mission! I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass and in the seeming blink of an eye we’ll be sitting on a Byron Shire verandah, sipping Japanese hoji-cha from a Balinese teapot, so glad that we made all this effort.

In many ways the physical move is the easy part. The harder part, and that which I’m finding near impossible to describe, is that which is shifting internally. It’s been like this for several months now and I’m no closer to any kind of definitive conclusion.

In fact much of what’s been going down is about letting go of any need for any definitive anything. Seeing how much my mind craves certainty, a method, a master, something, anything, that gives it some ground – some feeling like it’s doing things right. And yet simultaneously a powerful rebellion that really just wants to trust itself, to find out for itself, to let the Dancing Energy that flows through these veins keep moving me on down the river.

I’ve been shocked, saddened and also strangely encouraged by the recent exposure of the physical and sexual abuse of children and teens at the Satyananda Yoga Ashram at Mangrove Mountain, from the mid-70’s to late 80’s. Although the Swami responsible was convicted at that time, the actual details and extent of the damage done is only now coming out en masse, as well as testimonies implicating Satyananda himself as a perpetrator of abuse.

I have no desire to comment here on the details of those findings, I only wish to share what this is bringing up for me. And that is something like the renewal of a vow to commit to my own heart, my own gut, my own instincts and bodily sensations above all else, no matter what it costs me by way of approval, belonging or safety.

I remember some years ago during a time of confusion, imploring to whoever or whatever cared to listen… “but there has to be something that I can trust? …there has to be something that I can depend upon?”.

I could see the unreliability of my mind and its whims, but I couldn’t go against the very instincts of my body. And so I’m handing it all over to these 2 things now: the wisdom of sensation, and the irrefutable truth of Reality as it unfolds before me.

I tried to break up with my partner once, in the very beginning when I was still convinced that we were just too different to find a common path. My long-winded break-up speech over, he took a deep breath and gave me a big hug. And from his very honest heart came words to the effect that he altogether disagreed. He didn’t know the future of course, and couldn’t control me, but thought we were worth a bit more of my time. Next thing we know we’re in the kitchen eating olives, lip-syncing to the song “Gamble Everything for Love” using cutlery for microphones, laughing our heads off.

“What happened?”, I wondered. “I thought I just broke up with you?”.

This is what I mean. The intelligence of Life that just keeps on unfolding, keeps on moving us forward, keeps on pushing the right books off the shelf into our laps at just the right time. Keeps us growing and opening as the love and light that might very well be the truth of who we are, seemingly despite us sometimes.

In light of yet another tale of fallen guru, it’s this Intelligence to which I offer my unwavering allegiance. This mysterious Shakti that manifests as a single white lotus delivered into my hands immediately after giving a lecture on Saraswati. And while this Light might reveal itself much more brightly through various human forms at different times, it should be the Light itself and not the forms that we bow to.

I still believe that Love and Silence are the ultimate teachers. The recognition of sameness in the heart of another. The willingness simply to observe and embrace the unfolding of all this just as
it is; to love and forgive ourselves just as we are. Teachers and methods may come and go – showing up right when, and for as long as we need them.

Right now my teacher sits across from me at the table, shouting down the phone in exasperation at some poor girl from the bank. God love him. God love me. God love you. God love all of us. As the tides of destiny (or whatever) keep pushing me on, all I can do is surrender to the current.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  ~ Lao Tzu

Om Namo Narayani