HEARTFELT MUSINGS ON LIFE, LOVE, GOD, & MOTHERHOOD

Good morning. welcome to being here.

17.03.13

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So I’ve been thinking about Durga and her multiple arms wielding weapons… ready to meet all nature of enemies with the versatility of her arsenal, She is the perfect and indestructible warrioress. Her enemies of course are the afflicted emotions – the greed, lust, fear, shame and all their friends, that set up camp in the heart of every seeker, clouding and distorting the light of love.

Indian mythology is full of battles – the Mahabharata, the Ramayana. In the West there’s Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings. All these battles symbolic representations of the great and seemingly eternal battle between the forces of good and evil, light and dark, divine and demonic, angelic and asuric, constantly waged within and without.

I’ve been lecturing lately on Durga and the sword-sharpening power that She represents, the fearlessness and courage required by all who embark on the path of truth and love. And I know that anytime I put myself out there and share from this vidya – this living, breathing body of Yogic knowledge, that I will be pretty quickly tested to walk my talk, and life will show me exactly where I do and don’t truly understand.

So I find myself home in Byron, after 2 months in India, Bahrain and Sri Lanka… a break from teaching, a quiet house, and lots of long drives through the hills here with time and space to ponder. And basically, my shit is up. That’s what it does… until you flush it once and for all it keeps on floating to the surface.

And this is good. This is where the real work happens. After the ecstasy of my last blog post, the laundry. I start to hang out with my fear, my pride, my negativity, my insecurity, and my longing. I start thinking about the weapons required to work skilfully with these. Trust to replace fear, humility for pride, optimism for negativity and so on and so forth until I see that these are just bandaids. This is what humans have been doing forever, trying to conquer one thing with another. We’ve always been at war with ourselves, each other, and our planet.

I remember a quote from Milarepa, singing to his demons: “It is wonderful you demons came today. You must come again tomorrow. From time to time we should converse”. So instead of trying to conquer my demons I invite them in for tea. We eat cake. We’ve been hanging out. They told me some of their stories. I told them some of mine. I discovered that some of them are really funny and really smart.

I discovered a terror of failure that once seen and accepted doesn’t seem so powerful anymore. I discovered a really primal longing to have a child, that to ignore or intellectually over-ride was a denial of my body’s deepest instinctual biological wisdom. Still doesn’t mean that I have to or even want to have one, but not to acknowledge the depth of the drive would be, I feel, to cut myself off from something.

There is a very fine line between surrender and resignation. Underlying resignation, which I see can masquerade easily as surrender, are feelings of unworthiness, self-loathing, denial and fear. True acquiescence, true surrender is to become ever more intimate and transparent with all that arises by way of desire, while simultaneously offering it all up to Divine will. There is no hiding and no faking on this path.

What I find though, whenever I really drop in, is tenderness. Vulnerability. Softness. Patience. Compassion. Empathy. Not by consciously cultivating these qualities but because underneath the defences and the striving this is what just is. This is just what’s there at the heart of things. This is essential. I discover within myself each and every time a really extraordinary and inexhaustible capacity to love and to trust.

Durga’s ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction is love. And love requires acceptance and clear-seeing.

Om Namo Narayani! Jai Mata Durga! Jai Jai Shakti Maa!

ps. Title of this blog borrowed from the lyrics of a great new song by Ben Lee. Performed here by Ben & Jessica Chapnik-Kahn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BczLKXNN2qU&feature=youtu.be